"Vintery, mintery, cutery, corn,
Apple seed and apple thorn,
Wire, briar, limber lock
Three geese in a flock
One flew East
One flew West
And one flew over the cuckoo's nest."
Phil Brown was a hard working full- back who, in an 18 year career as a footballer played over 600 games, never played in the top flight and the only trophy he ever won was the 1988 Sherpa van Trophy.
He used his win bonus to buy his dream car.
Towards the end of his career as a player he earned his coaching badge and became assistant to Sam Allardyce at Bolton.
By this time he was already drinking many cans a day…..
…..and had well and truly been Tangoed.
After a brief unsuccessful 7 month experience managing Derby, Brown got a job as a coach at Hull in 2006, which was pipped only by Middlesboro in the Times top 10 worst places to live in Britain. After the manager was sacked he took over as caretaker, saved them from relegation and was given the job as permanent manager of the club.
It was at this time that Phil started consulting a guru…..and it worked!
In his first full season he led the team to the top level of English football for the first time in the club’s 104 year history by winning the play-offs at Wembley. He was living the dream, but it was to get even better….
In his first game in the premier league his team beat Fulham and then off to Arsenal’s Emirates Stadium.
Because Brown had never played for, or managed a team in the major division, he had never been up against a big team like Arsenal before. As the football gods smiled on him, out of the blue, his very own Brazilian, Geovanni, fluked a 35 metre shot which flew in the Arsenal net, which won the game. The win was described by the Hull press as the greatest victory in the clubs history. Two more wins followed and he was awarded the Manager-of-the-Month award for Hull's performances in September.
However those whom the gods wish to destroy they first make mad, because that was as good as it got. Arsenal had done his head in.
After winning the Manager of the month, the press came to Phil’s house for a photo shoot.
Vanity, an inflated ego and a big gob are Phil’s trademarks. Notice above how during the photo-shoot for his award how the first shot is in the garden, then a quick splosh over with quick tan and another shot indoors.
The remainder of his Hull career has been one embarrassing incident after another.
After watching and being inspired by one of his favourite films he figured bullying tactics was the way forward.
Against Manchester City at half time, he marched his team over to the end where the Hull fans were seated, made them sit on the grass, then humiliated them by telling them off like schoolboys playing a Sunday morning game.
The team got their own back the next time they played City with this goal celebration.
Phil considers himself a modern manager, so he started to show an interest in the player’s dietry requirements.
Some men could get away with a pink sweater….Phil couldn’t, (pink and orange don’t go, right?) especially draped over his shoulders, looking like he’s just stepped out of a 1980’s fashion shoot, for this appearance on Goals on Sunday.
As Tony Cascarino said: “If Brown was an ice-cream he’d lick himself to death”
He wore the outfit as a mark of respect to his favourite designer.
He introduced the “Spice Girls” headset to the football field. At Hull's game at Chelsea on the opening day of the season, his trademark headset made him a target for the home supporters, one of whom constantly bellowed a series of imaginary orders, while claiming Brown was actually a call centre manager who had wandered into Stamford Bridge in error.
Phil’s headset sponsors.
Last season, after winning only one match out of his last 21 he had to face Manchester United in the last match of the season to save his club from relegation. Man U fielded such a weak team that 6 players had played in a youth team match the previous week. His relegation rivals all complained about United, saying it wasn’t fair. However United still won 1-0, but Hull weren’t relegated because of other results.
Instead of making a statement saying something like; “We’ll try harder next time”….,He serenaded the crowd about the glory of ….well…him!
He was advised to do it by one of his showbiz pals.
Last October, after taking his team for a walk over the Humber Bridge he reported to the press that he had talked a woman down from attempting suicide. Unfortunately the woman didn’t come forward, the team didn’t remember the incident and the Humber Bridge authority didn’t have any reports either.
But is to Arsenal that he has saved his maddest moments on the football field, trying to recapture the magic moments of that sunny September
In an FA cup tie he accused Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger of not shaking his hand. As you can see by the image, he did. After Phil’s statement came out it mystified Mr Wenger, who looked at his hand and thought to himself....
This was followed by the bizarre accusation that Arsenal’s phlegmatic captain, Cesc Fabregas sprayed his assistant Brian Horton’s shoes with his spittle, something the Spaniard denied. This had left the Hull manager apparently foaming at the mouth all day. The veracity of his claims were tested, by an FA investigation, which kicked off with a letter from FA HQ at Soho Square to the KC Stadium, Hull, containing the words ‘what’, ‘hell’ and ‘talking about Phil’ and at least one question mark.
Some people believed that Phil’s drama queen tactics were down to watching too much TV.
Phil’s players having an exchange of views with Arsenal’s Nasri during a league match.
Last week was a bad one for Phil. Earlier in the week his team were training in the local park when a fight started between two Hull players. Unfortunatly it was in front of a Women’s Institute rally. Phil had to make a humble apology to the ladies organization. It was not the best time to play the team that had haunted him….Arsenal.
Phil announced that the game was “The start of a massively important era in my life and a massively important era in the history of Hull City'.
He thought to himself “What would my hero do”?......Then ordered his team to do it.
Who knows where his finger has been?
'I apologised to the Women's Institute for the fighting spirit we showed in public, but I make no apology for the fighting spirit we showed today. Phil Brown.
Spot the ball?
“He didn’t let me down, he went out there and did the job I asked”. Phil Brown.
“George Boateng has no reason to apologise to anybody" Phil Brown.
Justice was done when Arsenal’s Danish striker, Nicholas Bentner looked up, saw the goal with his one good eye, buried the ball in Hull’s net and buried Phil’s Premiership career.
As the sun sets on the events in Hull last week it’s interesting to reflect back to when Phil was manager of Derby County. He was asked in an interview what his favourite movies were. Ironically one was….. One flew over the cuckoo’s nest!
Bye, bye, Phil, it was a laugh.
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